Kristine Gasbarre explores how Americans are different from their international counterparts in her new book How to Love an American Man: A True Story
I apologize in advance for writing this so close to our most patriotic holiday, but I have never, ever had a thing for American men. It’s no secret that I’ve always thought I’d end up with a Brit. All that rubbish about ghastly teeth and a frigid demeanor is all BS. Sure, Brits are cool – it takes longer to crack the surface — but I’ve found that when I go for an American with a similar exterior, he just ends up being cold. So, given my Anglophilia, I’m probably not the best person to comment on why American boys are so damn great. It’s a good thing, then, that Kristine Gasbarre can do the job for me. In her new book, How to Love an American Man: A True Story, the author explores who the American guy is, and why you should love him. Unfortunately for my Englishman-loving self, none of these qualities actually appeal. But they might to you — so read on if you like nothing better than a guy with a thing for barbecuing, baseball and boobs.
What IS the American man?
“What I learned during my twenties was that American guys think only of one thing: success,” says Gasbarre. “On dates, I observed my distracted male counterparts daydreaming about their commitment to establish themselves, to set up lives of comfort, to make their marks on the world. Sure, they wanted to be happy now—but they were always thinking about the future. Career success is one way of ensuring a better future.
“Americans are strivers. In fact within nearly every American man there’s a quiet conflict between his contentedness in the present—his family, financial comfort, the simplicity of weekend barbecues—and his goals for the future. Adrian McIntyre, PhD is a cultural anthropologist at UC Berkeley (and, yes, an American man) who has observed how American males define happiness differently from their international counterparts. McIntyre explains that since American boys first had access to radio and TV in the last century, they’ve been socialized to aspire to a manhood that calls them to act masculine and tough; to be capable of any task and always in control of oneself. From the Wild West to Wall Street, he says, ‘If you really look at the visual images people are subjected to, there’s a theme of frontierism—even in contemporary life.’”
What defines the American man
The American man is autonomous. Speaking of Independence Day, there may be no culture of guys more independent than those in America. McIntyre asks us to consider the most classic male characters in our media: they always operate fundamentally alone. Think John Wayne, Gordon Gekko and James Dean: our men have been inspired by images of fellas who make their own decisions and don’t get pushed around. This individualism can be frustrating (do men in other countries have as much trouble asking for directions?); but after having lived abroad, I’m certain the all-American trait of self-sufficiency is among the most attractive in the world.
The American man can do anything he wants to do. No matter what faults we might find with capitalism, the fact is, it’s a system that opens up possibilities for us all. An American man is driven to be the best—at work, at sports, at marriage, at raising great kids—because he’s been trained to approach all of life like a competition in which every peer is a potential threat to his success. A challenge with this, McIntyre explains, is that unlike other cultures, most American boys are raised without a mentoring community to help them navigate the path to manhood.
They enter the world without much preparation for life’s challenges except a hard pat on the back and a, ‘Good luck, now go make it.’ A strong network of male elders—or an extraordinarily supportive father—can seriously influence whether a man sets and reaches goals, and constructively bounces back from failure.
The American man is extremely goal-oriented.The year I spent living in a Mediterranean country demonstrated how truly helpful it is to have been raised among American men with specific aspirations. Gender diversity expert and intercultural consultant Melissa Lamson says that goal orientation is an absolutely distinctive American trait, as men from many foreign cultures just go with life’s flow and never take the bull by the horns, Marlboro-style (which is why my 44-year-old cousin in Rome still lives with his mother). But the American man knows what he wants, and he targets his desires with precision. In romantic relationships this can be especially enlightening: while a man from Europe might find a woman attractive, he may perceive her to be simply a nice conversation partner or someone who’d enjoy a trip to the museum together. It makes for a fun vacation for sure; but beyond that, he’s not necessarily wooing her. But if the red-blooded American man is hanging out with a woman, she can be pretty sure he’s trying to win her over romantically.
The American man loves his job. In the context of a continual search for something better, it makes sense that men would put their jobs before their love lives. The typical American man falls in love with a woman, proposes marriage, and settles down to have kids. Once married, there are no more frontiers to conquer. Maintaining a strong marriage and raising healthy kids is difficult, but the path is pretty much set. There’s no more rugged individualism when you’re part of a family unit. Even the single guys I dated knew that. But that’s not the case in one’s career; professional life offers an endless horizon of goals to reach, paths to take, professional destinies to manifest.
Navigating the American man’s relationships
The American man really wants to be good at relationships. Believe it. Sure, sometimes it comes off the wrong way. “Men think their aggressive behavior is considered attractive and interesting, and they don’t understand why women don’t get them,” Lamson says. But despite the differences in the way the genders communicate, she explains that underneath the American man’s self-reliant exterior is a hidden desire to connect emotionally and to engage in deep interpersonal exchanges: he really does crave love and support. American men—indeed, most men, I would guess—”are very emotional and they do need to talk about their feelings and what happens to them.” We women can employ very simple tactics to make it easier for them to open up.
Most men need time to decompress before they start answering questions about their emotional state. “If you ask, ‘How was your day?’ it will severely annoy most men,” Lamson explains. “Give him an hour to run his day through his head, and then sit down and ask a specific, tactical question like, ‘Did Joe finish that presentation you were expecting from him?’ He’ll answer the question, and then he’ll crack into the emotional part. That’s where men feel supported by women.”
What else do American men respond to? Remember, they’re red-blooded: they love sexual attention. “It is critically important for a man to get, say, 10 minutes of physical affection three days a week or more,” Lamson says, acknowledging that an American woman wants to be heard and to connect emotionally before she can feel sexual. “Men need to understand that all they have to do is ask us, ‘How is your day?’ and listen for a few minutes. Then they might get as much sex as they want!” Fireworks indeed.
Closing Comments From The LoveTrekker
Again, I’m not hating on American men. Striving to be the best you can be is an admirable quality. The flip side of the coin though is that American men often feel they’re the best without reason. I can’t tell you how many times I’d be walking around London when I lived there cringing in horror as a guy from the States would pompously and self-importantly try to tell a Brit what he thought of their culture (in a very rude way, horse, teeth and unsavory accent remarks included) — all said while wearing white sneakers and a baseball cap.
I don’t want a man who loves his job more than me, or has nothing but success on the brain. There is a happy medium, and I do believe that Europeans have found it. They work hard, but they know when to relax — and when to call it a day. It’s no wonder that divorce rates in the U.S. are higher than in any other country — especially when guys can’t cut themselves any slack; there are 4.95 per every 1000 people in America versus 3.08 divorces per 1000 people in Great Britain; Italian divorce rates are staggeringly low at .27 divorces per every 1000 people.
This is not to say that I don’t date American men. I have to. I no longer live in the U.K., and gauging by the amount of Brits I’ve found traipsing through Santa Monica, it’d be a damn long time before I found love here while waiting around for an Englishman.
I don’t celebrate Guy Fawkes Day. I love the 4th of July. I am an American. But that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t somewhere else…
Laura xo
